There are heroes – mighty heroes. They’re honest, reliable, deeply moral and they vanquish evil and smite dragons with mighty swords. They’re shining in glory and holiness. And there are villains – evil villains. They are foul and twisted, with no morals, obsessed with their cunning ways and determined to bring their forces of forceful evil into the world so the dead can rise, and all will bow before the mighty knees of MISTER EVIL muahahaha!

Inbetween these two lies the Brothers Grossbart. They’re pure evil and pure heroes all at once. But how can this be? They can’t both be the Kwisatz Haderach.

Or maybe they can…

The Sad Tale of the Brothers Grossbart is an exceptional novel, written by Jesse Bullington. It is exceptional because I’ve been racking my brains and just can’t think of anything like it at all. Not that I’m a big fan of comparing novels (it’s like comparing paintings), but sometimes it’s nice to know where something fits in that inventory of the mind.

The plot itself isn’t extremely taxing – it’s a simple one, really, which is when the skills of a writer can really shine. Our mad graverobbing heroes begin the book with a single act of ruthless depravity and then shuffle off on their way to the land of the Infidels in search of Gyptland – where Grossbarts were wont to go in search of hefty gold looted from graves laden with such mighty treasures. Along the way they battle witches, monsters, demons and an assortment of rogues, all the while convinced of their own holiness due to their worship of Mary because “she loves them what stands up to the Lord more than those kneelin’ down to’em.”

Their twisted logic turns the Grossbarts from being the villains of the piece outlined in the opening, to being the heroes of the work – an odd twist which far from redeems them as their goal never changes and neither do their morals. Pursued by the man they did wrong who picks up a small army of his own along the way (including a witch’s brood), the Grossbarts shuffle onward from disaster to disaster in time for a truly epic final confrontation with those they have wronged.

What makes this book work so well is Mister Bullington’s style which never wavers from beginning to end. The very stylised language used by the Grossbarts looked to be very hard to maintain, yet Mister Bullington carries it with an enviable ease through to the conclusion. I was deeply amused by his style, which shifted smoothly between a folkloric fairytale manner to a more conventional fantasy pulp style which kept the plot moving at an exciting and sometimes gruesome pace.

I could find only one single gripe with the entire book, and that is the final pages, for me, seemed a little rushed to a conclusion and while I do appreciate it added to the folkloric feel, it wasn’t the end I was hoping for. Not that I can think of a better one, me being a hack and all. However, I think I wanted something more. Something a little more satisfying as befitted these two wonderful characters.

And there’s where the magic lies. The Characters. The two Grossbarts are the most unique creations – part ogres, part serial killers. It was almost like seeing Jason and Michael from those epic horror movies team up and go on a bit of a roadtrip. In fact, that’s the most accurate description I could paint for you. Their steadfast determination and self-belief in their own purity is a delightful component which adds a great deal of depth to what could have very easily been rather uninteresting characters in the long run, and I still feel extremely overwhelmed by Mister Bullington’s ability to maintain their manner with equal steadfastness. It’s a fine accomplishment and one I admire more than I can say. The Grossbarts, I think, will remain two of my favourite characters ever created and that’s a fact.

There’s humour, action sequences which leave you breathless, dark fairytale monsters and secondary characters caught in the Grossbart web to feel sorry for. You’ve just got everything you need for an absolute ripper of a book.

Pageturner? I ate this like it was my last meal.

All I need now is the movie for dessert…